Posted by: rojukene | oktoober 16, 2005

The weather is being a moist cold bitch…

…and I am in a fucking slump.

I’m generally pissed at the whole world, especially myself. For no apparent reason.

I have been in deep identity crisis for the past two years already, it’s about time some things changed. But I have no clue how to go on. The most annoying part of it all is that I have this feeling that the solution is right under my nose, yet I fail to see it. Like some kind of a blind spot that keeps dancing in front of me, one might say. I’m going round in circles, following my own footprints over and over and over again. And whatever I do to step aside from these tracks, it magically leads me back to them.

I wither and wither.

The more I try to lead a normal life, the more miserably I tend to fail. What went wrong? I was a model student once, lead a busy social life and the world was full of colours. Dark they might have been, okay, yet they were colours. Well, I know, I know. My religion (for no better word for it) turned out to be nothing but a lie, learning that crushed everything else I had.

I need to believe in something. But after what I have been through nothing seems suitable enough. No known religion can quench my thirst, Satanism is a child’s play compared to what I had. What I threw away… But I could take it no longer, I swear. I became thin like a silver ring after years of wearing. So I stepped out of it, saying ‘come what may’. And now I have my results. I am nothing. Well, yes, I may be a loyal friend and a nice lover and whatnot, yet I am nothing but a dot in my own eyes, which is the most important factor. As we all know perfectly well, a dot has no dimensions. And I used to have four… Sometimes I am being watched, I can feel His presence, standing politely away in the doorframe and simply watching me. Without words. They are completely unnecessary. And I put on the face that I sense nothing, I see nothing, I feel nothing.

I have masks upon masks and underneath it all is an empty face.

I’ll stop now.

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