Posted by: rojukene | september 27, 2005

A fanfic by me, can you imagine… And a rather personal one at that >.>

Title: Reason, Linkage, Consequence
Author: Rojukene
Pairing: KyoxShinya
Disclaimer: Kyo and Shinya of Dir en grey are not a part of my personal property, unfortunately. The actual persons have very little to do with what goes on in my head.
Warnings: Depressive mood while writing it. Contains a male/male relationship, no sex though.

Reason, Linkage, Consequence

Kyo woke up with a start. He had seen nightmares again. They kept coming back to him like faithful dogs come to their masters, only that those beasts had at least three sets of razor-sharp teeth and were not at all ashamed to use them. He reached out a shaking hand for a cigarette and managed to light it with only minor difficulties. Those dreams… sometimes they were as real as the bed he lay on. Sometimes they were even worse, waking up from them felt more like falling asleep. He was genuinely frightened of the latter and it seemed to him they knew it damn well.

Oh well, at least they are a source of inspiration for the new songs, thought Kyo with a bitter smirk trembling in the corner of his mouth. If only they took less energy from him..

The trouble with those godawful things was that they included the person he cherished most. That is why they had such an effect upon him. Kyo tried to push the flashbacks away to the dusty nocks of his mind but they resisted him and did a good job at it. He knew it would be helpful to think them through instead of trying to bury them alive but he was also aware that if that be the case, he would feel shaky all day.

He decided to give it a try though.

First there had been a rather ordinary room where he and Shinya sat, he recalled, waiting for something or someone, that part was unclear. They were chatting away in a casual manner and all was well. But then he had felt a sudden change in the air and with horror he had realized that Shinya had stood up to greet some other person who entered the room a second ago. Kyo could not make out any facial features for the stranger was standing in a dusky corner but he felt immediately alarmed. And then came the terrible moment when Shinya turned towards him, smiling and all, and said: “Sorry, Kyo, I am leaving you now. Have a nice life.”

The fact that Shinya had ditched him in a dream was not the scariest bit, he had seen it before and he was certain he would see it again. What freaked Kyo out a lot more was the innocent smile Shinya had sported when dumping him. So cold… no, cold was not the word, indifferent had he been… Kyo’s heart shrank with pain when he recalled that expression which didn’t actually express anything much besides distant politeness. Insults, fights, the general gloom of life – all that he could cope with. But not with indifference from the few he truly cared for.

He sighed and sat up. Now that he knew his day was ruined from the very beginning, he could just as well try to make it through. He put out his cigarette and got dressed.

Now I should only find something useful to do today, he mused bitterly. Of course there were things that had to be done soon and some that were urgent but he felt he was absolutely incapable of taking any action concerning them. Why bother. Nobody cares anyway… at least he doesn’t.

That was exactly what was wrong with him and he was bloody well aware of it. He had no interests in anything, no plans for the future, nothing. All he still cared about was Shinya but he was away. And for a long time to come.

“I wonder if he misses me,” dawdled Kyo in a small yet audible voice, only a tad louder than a whisper. “Or is he too busy for that…”

He wished he could go to a rehearsal and let out the angst that was smugly nesting in his chest but there were no proper rehearsals while Shinya was away, besides the sight of an empty drum set might have made things even worse than they were. With no other real alternative he sat down and started to work on the lyrics of a new song.

The vocalist considered the lines he had just put down. It came out surprisingly well, he thought. The words were chosen carefully as he plunged deeper into the process. He started to hum very quietly as he read what he had created, replaced a word here and there and finally he had developed a Vision. Suddenly he knew exactly how it all had to sound. And he would have it his way, if the others would like to do something else with this material, they might have their own versions for all he cared, but the main one must be precisely as he saw fit.

Kyo felt almost content and that was a rare case those days. He wanted to call Shinya and sing it to him but for some reason Shinya didn’t pick up his mobile. Kyo was a bit taken aback but he tried again in a nervous period of ten minutes. No answer. Not even in half an hour… He was beginning to feel relatively uneasy.

Those dreams and… things… He was not a bright-spirited person anyway, and all that crap his busy subconcious mind created all the time was not of any help improving the situation. He felt that something was wrong and he didn’t have a clue whether it was the sixth sense that was trying to warn him about what might lay ahead in near future or was it only his own vivid imagination caused by that damned nightmare. Kyo wanted to squirm on the spot out of sheer anxiety. Why didn’t he answer, goddamnit???

All of a sudden he felt broken inside. He had only wanted to bring joy to Shinya but now… Now he even didn’t care if the drummer called him back or not. His world had taken on some colours already in the meantime but they all faded away again to a depressing shade of grey. It was always like this. Trust someone, love someone, let them know of it – and they will stab you in the back when you least expect it.

“Fuck you, you bloody fucking shit of a bastard!” he roared and smashed both his fists into a wall.

At the same moment his cell phone rang. Shinya was calling him back.

“Hey, wha…” Shinya began when Kyo furiously interrupted him.
“If you don’t give a goddamn shit about me, then I might as well die, I’m not afraid!”
“What are you talking about?” Shinya’s voice sounded genuinely surprised. But Kyo knew he was a good actor.
“Don’t you start with me, all that innocence and other crap, I know what you are like inside!”
“But I haven’t…”
“Shut up! All I do is try to make you feel good and all you do is bring me down! I will not tolerate this much longer, understand???”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“Why, I know you fuck around with others but you could at least have the decency to break up with me first!” panted Kyo with rage.
“Do I?” Shinya sounded suddenly rather tired saying that. “Please, Kyo. I have had a long day, I am not in any state of discussing this. You know that I love you. What more do you want of me?”

Kyo tried to find something to say but all of a sudden he felt the words were stuck in his throat. And as his mind raced frantically in search of a witty remark, he also felt a lump rising up to accompany the blocked phrases which abruptly seemed extremely petty and narrow-minded. He saw his sheer idiotism in a light painfully clear.

“I… I am so sorry, Shinya,” stuttered Kyo. “I didn’t want to upset you. It’s just that I am having a really rough time right now and.. and I have those nasty dreams and.. I feel so lonely here. Please, come home. As soon as you can. Please…”
“You know I can’t, don’t you? I miss you, too. Hey, sorry – I’ve got to go now, I’ll call you some time tomorrow, OK?”
“Bye,” said Shinya and hung up.

Kyo was still feeling crushed. He understood his suspicions were rather childish as they were based on only a dream, yet… Yet he felt as if there might be some truth behind it all. Whatever it was, he had to deal with it all by himself. Shinya was not capable of understanding him, he was truly at a loss when it came to Kyo’s motifs and needs. But it wasn’t the drummer’s fault, it was only Kyo himself and his constant contradictions. He could be the median on almost everything, only that it was made up of exact opposites. And as Shinya was such an organized person it was obvious he could never feel what Kyo felt. He would simply have to accept it as a fact…

Kyo shook his head as if trying to eliminate the shit inside it and went through the events of the day. Everything has results, both nice and annoying. He had had this nightmare and out of it a beautiful song had come. Partially because of the song had he had a row with his loved one but due to the row he knew now what to call the song.

“Ain’t afraid to die”, he hummed. “I’m not. Are you?”


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